Dearest Gentle Reader,
Welcome to the first of what I hope will be many reflections
from Circles of Sisterhood.
This is more than a blog; it is a shared space. A space
where girls and young women in their diversity can speak honestly, be seen
fully and exist without apology. A space where our experiences are not
questioned, minimized or dismissed but are honored.
There is no better place to begin than with something many
of us carry, often quietly and without question: Shame
Unpacking the Weight of Shame
You may have heard the phrase, “Shame must change sides.”
It is simple, but it holds a powerful truth: the shame that has been placed on
girls and women was never ours to carry in the first place.
Yet many of us have learned to carry it anyway.
We are made to feel shame for literally everything. For being visible, for taking
up space, for how our bodies look, how they change and how they are perceived.
We are made to feel shame for our choices, our curiosity, our desires and even
our boundaries.
Over time, these experiences do not simply pass. They are
internalized. They shape how we see ourselves, how we move through the world and what we believe we deserve.
But shame, when examined closely, is not natural. It is
taught, reinforced and repeated despite it being misplaced.
Where Shame Shows Up in Our Lives
Shame is not just a feeling; it is often weaponized to silence, control and makes girls and women question themselves and doubt their capabilities and this is how it shows up in some aspectsof our lives:
Reproductive Choices and Bodily Autonomy
From an early age, our bodies become sites of public
scrutiny and debate.
We are constantly expected, without being told directly to
regulate them in ways that make us acceptable: when to have children, how to have children, whether
to have them at all and how to behave or present ourselves in order to
“deserve” respect.
Even something as basic as seeking contraception is frequently met with suspicion
or stigma, as though knowledge itself were inappropriate.
With abortion, the silence is even heavier. Conversations
are shut down, realities are flattened and decisions are judged without
context.
Yet these decisions are hardly simple. They are shaped by
lived realities- safety, readiness, resources and dreams that will be put on hold.
So, the question is not what a girl or young woman chose but why shame is assigned to her for making a decision within her reality? and whether we want to admit it or not, that shame belongs elsewhere:
To the systems that restrict access to safe healthcare,
To communities that replace support with judgment,
and to policies that seek to control bodies in an attempt to preserve the 'moral fabric' of society without enabling wellbeing.
Not to the girl asking questions about the options available to them.
Not to young woman making a deeply personal decision.
Sexual Violence and the Misplacement of Blame
Shame is also weaponized most cruelly in the aftermath of
sexual violence.
Survivors are often met with questions that shift
responsibility from the perpetrator rather than seek truth: What were you wearing? Why were you
there? Why didn’t you resist? Why were you alone? What did you expect?
These questions do not clarify, they deflect accountability
and protect harmful systems.
Violence is never the fault of the survivor.
The shame belongs to the person who caused harm and to the
cultures and systems that blame the survivor and at the same time enable silence, disbelief, and inaction. Not to the
girl who was hurt. Not to the woman trying to navigate the murky waters of healing from such a traumatic event.
Harmful Cultural Practices and the Right to Refuse
In many communities, girls and women are expected to
conform to practices that may cause harm, even when they are framed as
tradition.
Resisting can come at a cost: being labeled disrespectful,
being excluded or being told you are rejecting your identity.
But autonomy is not disobedience and refusal to endure harm that is portrayed as culture is not shameful.
The shame belongs not to those who refuse harm but to the
systems that prioritize tradition over wellbeing and to the pressures that
demand silence and conformity in the name of belonging.
Menstruation and the Culture of Silence
Even menstruation a natural, bodily process is surrounded by
stigma and silence.
Girls are taught to hide it, to manage it discreetly and to
avoid speaking about it openly, even when support is needed.
This silence has consequences: missed school days, limited access
to menstrual health products and internalized discomfort with one’s own body.
But there is nothing shameful about a body functioning as it
should.
The shame belongs to the systems that fail to support dignity, promote access to menstrual products and information as well as the people who thrive in their ignorance; refusing to educate themselves on a normal biological process.
Not to the girl who menstruates.
Not to the woman learning her body and embracing it.
Reclaiming What Was Never Ours
Across all these experiences, a pattern emerges: shame is
consistently placed on girls and women for what is natural, necessary or
beyond their control which then completely shifts attention
away from where it truly belongs.
Letting Shame Go
If shame must change sides, then it must leave us entirely.
It does not belong in our bodies, our choices or our
stories.
In its place, we make room for clarity, confidence, and
compassion for ourselves and for one another.
You deserve to:
Understand
your body without fear.
Make
decisions without apology.
Set
boundaries without punishment.
Exist
fully, without carrying what was never yours.
This is not only an idea. It is a refusal.
And it begins with this truth:
You were never the one who should have been carrying the
shame.
An Affirmation for Unlearning Shame
I am allowed to exist without apology.
I release the shame that was never mine to carry.
My body is not a source of shame; it is my home.
My choices are valid, even when they are not understood by
others.
I trust myself to know what is right for me.
I deserve care, respect and dignity at all times, in all
circumstances.
I am not defined by judgment, stigma or silence.
I am worthy, whole and enough exactly as I am
A final reminder
Shame thrives in silence. Support does not.
If anything in this reflection resonates with your own experiences or if you are carrying questions, uncertainty or distress, there is space for you to speak without judgment.
The Bonga na Aunty Jane hotline is available to offer confidential listening, support and information for girls and women.
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